Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Dear Chihuahua of Fear....

Great title right? Well, guess what? It is time for another God-sized dreams post. This week, Holley Gerth (Click on the link, it will take you to her blog ;) asked us to write a letter to our fears, to have a  little talk with them, and that is how we were supposed to start it.

Dear Chihuahua of Fear,
   I have some things I'd like to say to you....

I started this post for last week's God Sized Dreams, for April 9th, last Tuesday. But then, fear struck. Sneaky pest, it didn't attack in the obvious way. And it was completely unrelated to doing a blog post. Fear, in the form of worry, stole slowly in while trying to prepare a place for my mom's horses and my horse to live this summer. To make a long story short, it has always been a bit of a struggle to find places for our horses to go. It seems that for whatever reason, we are always having to find a new place to go with them every few years. Boarding is not an option, there are none remotely close enough, and people never want to rent their pasture to horses. Almost all pasture ground has cows on it or is in CRP, which stands for Conservation Reserve Program, in which the governement pays farmers to put pasture ground into CRP to allow it to grow native weeds and grasses for wildlife. And guess what, even though the state of Illinois is broke, they can still afford to pay more than I can to rent this ground. So anyway, here we are again, trying to find somewhere to put our horses that is reasonably priced, convienent distance from our town, and easy to access to get them food and water on a daily basis, not to mention, just to be able to see them. And it has been super hard this year. I am suprised that I don't have permanent tear streaks down my cheeks from the disappointment we have seen. So last week, when I was supposed to be talking back to fear, it took over a huge part of my life. And it has not left yet, even though I spent all weekend building fence on our newest place. I just feel like or fear, that we are going to do all that work and then something is going to happen and they are going to tell us to leave. I am in fear of losing my horses, which I have worked SO HARD to hang on to. So, I have all this fear in my life right now. But it has nothing to do with being afraid of doing something God has asked of me.

Or does it....? I am afraid. I am afraid of losing my horse, who I have dreamed of for so long. I have had horses in the past. The first, she was crazy. And after a million battles that broke my heart, I finally sold her. Then, the black gelding that hated people and broke my collar bone. Then, briefly another mare that I just wasn't ready to handle yet, not being healed from my fall, either physically or emotionally. Now, after much trial and tribulation, I have my boy, who is stable, loving and likes people. But.....I have struggled so hard to have him, and now it seems that the last leg I have to stand on is going to be ripped out from underneath me. I have told God that I am ready to let him go, if that is what God wants. I understand that God has final say of what is in my life.  But I am afraid of the answer. What if God does want me to sell him? That scares me. I don't want to lose him. Is God asking me to deny myself, to die to myself, so that I may follow Him? If so, it will break my heart. I know that you don't come upon a horse like mine everyday, I know because I have tried.

But then, I read Holley's post. In it, she quotes from her book that
“Fear hangs out right next to whatever it is you’re most called to do. That means the closer you get to your calling, the louder fear sounds. Keep going–fear is a chihuahua that sounds like a Doberman.” — You’re Made for a God-sized Dream, Chapter Five

Mom's God-sized dream about a place for helping abused girls and women. And in this dream, horses have always been included, because, as it is well documented, horses have a way of showing us ourselves and helping us to see what we need to do to help bring about healing in our lifes. If Holley is correct, then maybe we are on the edge of our big dream, and Satan is trying to steal our horses from us, because he knows we need them to do our work. He knows how hard it is to come by the horses that we have, the sweetness, the willingness, the love they have for people. These qualities are hard to find, trust me!

I am unsure of what I am supposed to do. Is this God? Does He want us to have our horses? Does Satan want to steal something that God intends for us to use in His big plans for our lives. I have some praying to do....

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